“Awww, it’s so cute, un!”

“…You’re fucking weird, Deidara. What part of this rodent is cute?”

“Just look at him! Let’s call it Itachi!”

Itachi twitched angrily.

“Nah, let’s just called it Weasel.”

Itachi twitched again.

“They mean the same thing, Hidan!”

“Weasel sounds better.”

“B-But—”

“It’s settled.” Hidan took the creature from Deidara and smirking, brought it over to Itachi. “Hey Uchiha, we found a friend for ya. Meet Weasel.”

“Do you think you’re funny, Hidan?” Itachi said coolly, one second from murdering the religious man.

Hidan’s smirk widened. “Yeah, I like to think so.”

“Isn’t he cute?” Deidara said, pointing to the rodent in Hidan’s hand.

Itachi glared at the furry creature, hating it with a passion. “No. Take it away.”

“Man, I knew you were an asshole, red-eye, but I had no idea you hated your kin so much,” Hidan said with a heavy sigh.

Itachi’s left eye twitched. “That rodent is not my kin.”

“You’ve got the same name,” Hidan chuckled. “Your parents must have hated you to give you a cheap-ass name like Itachi.”

“I am about one second from using Tsukiyomi on you, Hidan.”

“Am I supposed to be scared, seriously?”

“Don’t talk like that in front of Weasel,” Deidara snarled. “He’s getting scared, un.”

“Deidara-chan, Weasel is not scared. Know why? I’m going to allow him to find peace with Jashin-sama.” He reached for his scythe.

“You’re gonna kill him?!” Deidara shrieked.

“It’s an honor, seriously.”

“I won’t let you hurt him! He’s an innocent animal, un!”

“And one that will become loyal to Jashin.”

“Fuck you and your Jashinism!” Deidara spat.

Itachi was getting a headache. The rodent currently huddled against Hidan’s chest looked absolutely terrified and for a split second, the cold Uchiha felt a wave of sympathy for it. It was replaced with a need to kill as soon as the creature locked eyes with him and lunged for him. Itachi let out a scream (involuntarily) as the weasel scratched and clawed at his face, trying to get away from Hidan.

“It’s killing Itachi!”

“Bad Weasel! Get off or I’ll kill you!”

“No, don’t! If you do that, then you’ll kill Itachi, un!”

Hidan swore loudly. Itachi was finally able to get the weasel off his face. He could feel blood dripping down from the many scratches he had received. “Damn…that thing sure has a temper,” Hidan mumbled.

“It’s because you scared it, asshole, un!” Deidara snapped. He looked over at Itachi. “Are you okay?”

“I’ll survive,” the Uchiha said softly.

Hidan suddenly chuckled. “Never thought I’d see the day when you’d get pwned by an animal, red-eye.”

“I was not ‘pwned.’”

“Yes you fucking were! Have you seen your face? Seriously. That weasel fucked you up good.”

“Hidan, you are within range.”

“Of what?”

“My foot.”

Hidan blinked and looked down. Then he narrowed his eyes. “Oh that’s mature.”

If Itachi was the type that relished in the total humiliation of others, he would have been smirking at that very moment. He noticed the weasel crouched down on the floor and stared at it curiously. It was kind of…cute. He blinked. Wait. That wasn’t right. Cute wasn’t a part of Itachi’s vocabulary.

“Can I kill it now?” Hidan whined suddenly.

Deidara threw a shoe at him.

“Hey! Don’t fucking throw things at me!”

“I’ll do whatever I want, un! Leave Weasel alone!”

Itachi ignored them and continued his staring match with the furry creature on the floor. He was tempted to pick it up and hold it close, as though it were a cat; he had a fondness for cats that no one knew of. He carefully reached his hand out to the weasel and watched as it sniffed him. It made a strange hissing sound and backed away.

“You speak Weasel, red-eye?” Hidan asked, coming up behind Itachi.

The Uchiha gave him an irritated look. “No. I was trying to coax it out of its hiding place.”

“Let me do it.”

“No! Don’t let him, un!” Deidara growled. “He’ll just end up killing it!”

Hidan snorted. “I won’t kill it.”

“Yes you will! And then we’ll have to explain to Leader-sama why there’s an animal’s corpse in the kitchen!”

“…we’ll say it was Zetsu’s fault.”

“Zetsu eats HUMANS, idiot!”

“Yeah, and am I the only one who sees something wrong with that? Seriously. If he ate animals, that’d be fine.”

Deidara face palmed and immediately regretted it as his hand mouth salivated all over his face. “Ugh, gross,” he grumbled. “Itachi, what are you doing?” he said suddenly, noticing the dark-haired man was on his knees and making strange noises. His hand was outstretched toward the area where the weasel was currently hiding.

“Oh no, he finally snapped,” Hidan stated with wide eyes. “Red-eye’s gotten so crazy, he’s actually turned into his name!”

“Hidan, you’re still within range of my foot,” Itachi snarled from the floor. The religious man paled and backed away slowly. “And to answer your question, Deidara, I am trying to get this animal out of the corner. I’m sure Leader-sama will not be happy to know we’ve got a rodent infestation.”

“You’ve got a point, un,” the blonde agreed. “Weasel? Come out, Weasel!”

“Calling it isn’t going to make it come,” Itachi explained. He made another strange noise and moved closer to the corner. Eventually, he was able to grab a hold of the weasel and lift it out. Deidara cooed over it as Itachi held it close to his chest. Hidan was eyeing it again. “I’ll letting it go outside,” Itachi told them.

“Aww, bye Weasel!” Deidara scratched the animal behind the ears.

Hidan rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe I’m with you two pansies, I swear.”

Once outside, Itachi started to have second thoughts on letting the weasel go. It really was cute. He stroked its white fur and allowed a small smile onto his face. “Run far away so that those two can’t ever find you again,” he said. It leapt from his arms onto the grass and looked back at him over its shoulder. Then it was gone. He sighed heavily and walked back inside the lair.

Hidan and Deidara were arguing again, but that was to be expected. He took a seat at the table and drifted into his own thoughts. “Ne, Itachi,” Deidara said softly. “You okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Aww, you miss your weasel pal!” Hidan crowed. “Poor wittle wed-eye misses his—”

Itachi’s foot slammed up in between Hidan’s legs. He watched as the silver-haired man squeaked and fell over. “You never listen,” the Uchiha smirked at the man pitifully rolling and crying on the floor.

“F…f…uuu…c…k…y-you…”