The U. S. of Eh?

Author's note: THIS. BOOK. IS. REAL. Okay, so Heather bought this book and lent it to me yesterday and reading through it, I just had to write a fic. This book is hilarious and creepy and now I'm seriously paranoid about Canada. Seriously, are you controlling us from up there? BE HONEST o___o But anyway, I NEEDED to write this so I did. It is full of lulz and references to stuff in the book. Yes Hollywood and Kraft are Canadian inventions. I didn't know either D: *stares at Kraft mac n' cheese* ...so cheesy and Canadian ;o;

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America, with wide eyes, put the book down on his table in disbelief. He had been browsing in a bookstore (buying coffee and a donut) when a particular book had caught his eye. Titled The U. S. of Eh? – How Canada Secretly Controls the United States (and why that’s OK), he thought it would be entertaining to read. Because honestly, Canada? His sweet little brother? His neighbor to the north? Him controlling America? It was laughable.

But after reading through it and double checking everything, America was starting to feel a little wary of his brother. Canada was controlling him right now…if the book was true. He cast a glance at the macaroni and cheese in his food cabinet. He would have to make a note to stop eating Kraft…even if was the cheesiest. He felt like such a lie; more than half of his most celebrated things were Canadian. (even Hollywood for cryin’ out loud!)

He wasn’t sure how he could act around his brother at the next world meeting. It was tomorrow and obviously he had to be there because he was the most powerful nation. Or am I? he thought.

So when everyone was filed into the meeting room the next day, America tried to stay as far away from Canada as possible. The others were whispering things to each other when he took a seat beside Russia of all people. And when Canada stood up to present his ideas to everyone (for once people were listening), he felt he had to speak up and warn the others of his brother’s plans to rule them all.

He stood up abruptly in his chair, knocking it off its wheels and onto the floor. Several heads turned to look at him and Canada stopped his speech to gape at his brother. America pointed a finger at him. “I’m on to you, Canada!” he shouted.

There was a long pause. “Eh?” Canada said.

“I know what you’re up to and what you’ve been doing!”

“What the bloody hell is that idiot on about now?” he heard England grumble to France.

“Don’t you guys know?!” America cried, looking around. “You’re all supposed to be smart and all this time NONE of you noticed?!”

“Noticed what, America?” Germany snapped.

“That Canada’s taking over the world!”

Nobody spoke. Everyone simply stared at America. “I’m what?” Canada finally said in astonishment.

“You’re taking over everything, starting with me!”

“…I am?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know!”

“But I don’t…”

“Oh for heaven’s sake, America, where the fuck are you getting this information?” England spat.

“Look!” America dug into his bomber jacket pockets and pulled out the book. He slammed it on the table. “I read it in this!”

“He reads, aru?” China whispered to Russia.

France reached to pick it up and read the title aloud. “The U. S. of Eh? – How Canada Secretly Controls The United States (and why that’s OK)…Quoi?”

“It’s 100% real,” America growled. “I cannot believe I’ve been helping you take me over for years! All that Kraft macaroni and cheese in my kitchen! And even Hollywood,” he wailed.

Canada didn’t say anything as he stared at his brother, currently having a mental breakdown.

“I just…I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner,” America went on. “You’re always so quiet and nobody notices you and hey, we have an unprotected border, but little did I know that you were sneaking your citizens into my land for years, planning to take me over!”

“…Is he on crack?” Prussia wondered aloud.

“Ve~ Can I have pasta? This meeting is long,” Veneciano whined to Germany.

“America, why are saying this?” England interrupted. “Why do you even believe this book?”

“Because it’s ALL TRUE! I just never realized it!” he replied. He looked back at his brother. “Well? What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I…I’m…sorry?” Canada mumbled.

“Yeah, that’s what you all say. All you Canucks and your ‘politeness’, but I’m not buying it anymore! I know the truth!” And with that he stomped out of the meeting room, leaving an uncomfortable silence.

England brought a hand to his forehead. “Bloody wanker gave me a headache.” He glanced at Canada and smiled apologetically. “I’ll talk to him about this later, Canada. I’m truly sorry you had to hear him say that.”

“It’s no problem, eh,” Canada said smiling.

A few of the nations reading the book over France’s shoulder laughed.

“Well good. Though, really, did you truly invent Hollywood?” England asked in an undertone.

Canada shrugged. “Who knows?”

“If you did, that’s bloody brilliant. I knew I raised you right.” He too walked out of the meeting room.

“Hey Canada,” Prussia called, waving the book in the air. “From what this book says, you control like 70% of America! This is so fucking hilarious!”

Canada laughed nervously and turned around to grab his suitcase. Nobody else saw the light glint off his glasses, or his smirk, as he left the room.